


Buck Fuddy

by Betterpseudonym (Bettername)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, sex pollen fic with sex offscreen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 16:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3215531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bettername/pseuds/Betterpseudonym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> “Capsicle’s been dosed with a cocktail of a monamine oxidase inhibitor and alpha-adrenergic antagonist, melanocortin receptor activators, and dopamine agonists.” Sam raises one unamused eyebrow and crosses his arms despite how much it hurts. He has a point to make. Tony manages to pull himself together long enough to spit out ‘they’re aphrodisiacs.’ Clint snickers unlike the grown up he pretends to be occasionally. Bruce rethinks his life choices for a second time that day as the man he shares a lab with looks as if he’s about to piss himself laughing. </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Buck Fuddy

Captain America hadn’t crossed the thin line separating bravery and reckless stupidity. He dove across it, flinging his body directly into the line of fire earning him a worrisome number of darts in his back and a bloodstream full of mystery chemicals. The joke of it was that Black Widow had already hauled ass to safety before the villain of the day finished raising his gun. The 90’s cartoon villain throwback complete with spandex fired his weapon, Hawkeye shot an arrow, Falcon dove at the fiend with the fury of an avenging angel, and Captain America got a back full of darts protecting Black Widow who was no longer there. The villain was electrocuted by Hawkeye’s specialty arrow at the exact same time as he received a face full of Falcon’s boot. The electric current did not care whose side it was on and traveled up from said villain’s face to Falcon’s boot and straight to Falcon’s wings which then promptly shorted out and sent him sprawling into an ungainly heap on the street below. It was a split second glorious display of their lack of training as a team. 

Ironman was put out that he didn’t get to do more than look pretty while he hauled his injured team mates into a van to get transported back to the tower for medical attention. Black Widow was annoyed that after all of her missions spent with Captain America he still felt the need to catch projectiles with his body. Thor was in London cuddled up to his Lady Jane and missed the whole mess. Hulk didn’t get to smash anything. 

Dr. Banner, however, gets to drink tea as he contemplates his life choices which led him to drinking tea in a laboratory in the Avenger’s Tower as he waits on the Steve’s blood tests. He takes another sip as he glances over the freshly printed results. 

“Well this is interesting,” he muses to his half empty Hulk mug that Tony bought him on a lark. 

 

“The blood work shows that Steve has been exposed to worryingly large doses of phenylethylamine, yohimbine, bremelanotide, bromocriptine, and cabergoline.” Sam perks up at ‘worryingly large doses’ and starts to visibly worry despite his own gambit of freshly bandaged road rash. Natasha and Clint share meaningful glances as Clint picks at one of his numerous Band-Aids of varying age. Tony’s barely concealed smirk breaks down into an honest to god giggle fit. The near infinite pool that is Sam Wilson’s patience evaporates. 

“What the hell is so funny Stark?” 

“Capsicle’s been dosed with a cocktail of a monamine oxidase inhibitor and alpha-adrenergic antagonist, melanocortin receptor activators, and dopamine agonists.” Sam raises one unamused eyebrow and crosses his arms despite how much it hurts. He has a point to make. Tony manages to pull himself together long enough to spit out ‘they’re aphrodisiacs.’ Clint snickers unlike the grown up he pretends to be occasionally. Bruce rethinks his life choices for a second time that day as the man he shares a lab with looks as if he’s about to piss himself laughing.

“Steve is not in any immediate danger; however, he is in considerable distress. He’s also having difficulty regulating his strength which will make,” Bruce clears his throat, “him handling the situation a challenge.”

“So he can’t rub one out?” Clint seems mildly horrified.

Tony whistles. “Well that takes the fun out of the situation. All worked up and he can’t even polish the statue of liberty.” 

“I would strongly suggest that precautions are taken in case one of you decides to,” Bruce tucks the clip board under his arm and uses air quotes,” take one for the team given the situation.” He knows that Tony loves a challenge.

Tony looks over to Bruce. “So how quick do you think we can get Thor here from London? Or should I just suit up and grab a flesh light and a case of lube?”

“Tony.” Lesser men have crumbled from that tone of Natasha’s voice, however Tony’s immune in part to his giddy excitement and temporary lack of situational awareness.

“What?” Tony pauses considering and then lets out a low ‘oh.’ “If you wanted me to give you a quick tutorial in the suit so you could handle the problem Nat, all you had to do was ask.” 

Her eyes narrow to slits. “I’m going to leave before I give into temptation and injure you.”

JARVIS picks the perfect time to interrupt. “Lieutenant Wilson, Captain Rogers has requested your presence.” Sam shrugs his shoulders and starts for the door.

“Go get’em tiger,” Tony calls after him. Sam flashes him the finger in response. 

 

They hear the ‘oh hell no’ despite the three doors and hallway that separates them from Steve and Sam. The pleading from Steve is a bit less distinct but still as passionate, the ensuing argument even more so. Sam returns a few minutes later.

“Stark, what’s your policy on having visitors?” 

“Spangles wants to invite his booty call to the tower?” Sam purses his lips and Tony’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead. “Freedom fries has a booty call?” Sam sighs and Bruce worries about him collapsing a lung with the amount of air he forces out.

“More like a HYDRA hunting buddy.” 

“So instead of long walks on the beach patriot pop and his–” Tony whips out the air quotes, “–hunting buddy storm HYDRA compounds and punch Nazis?” 

“Yep.”

“If they can help freezer burn with his problem then I’m cool with it.” 

Sam leaves to make a phone call. 

“Sir, Lieutenant Wilson has informed me that Captain Rogers’s guest will be arriving in twenty minutes.”

“Let me know when they arrive.”

“Yes Sir.” 

Tony turns to the rest of his team. “So who else is camping out to meet Cap’s buck fuddy?” 

 

“Sir Captain Rogers’s guest has arrived.” 

“Send them up to the waiting room in medical and tell the team Operation Polish the Statue of Liberty is a go.” 

“Very well sir.” 

 

“You too?” Sam asks. 

Bruce sets his stack of paper down and nods to Tony sprawled out in on the chairs in the corner fiddling with a tablet. “Pepper has me on Tony wrangling duty.” He glances over to where Clint and Natasha are sitting together on the opposite side of the small room. “All we need is Thor and we’ll have the full set.” 

“The fact that he exists blows my mind.” 

“You would like him, Rhodey too.” 

The door opens and the chatter abruptly stops. A heavily armed masked man wearing black tactical armor walks into the room. The silence is broken by a stifled hiss followed by a quietly muttered ‘aww, coffee’. The masked man sets his duffle bag down on the floor. 

“I am here for the Captain.” Bruce’s heart rate skyrockets and Tony gets his chance to regret his life choices.

“Man you can’t just come in here and say that.” Clint stops formulating how he can kill a man armed with only a soggy paper cup as Sam walks up and fist bumps the newcomer’s metal hand. He glances down to the man’s torso. “Is that blood?” 

The man shrugs. “It is not mine. I am one hundred percent functional.” 

“HYDRA?” Sam asks. The man nods. “Let me introduce you to everyone. Everyone this is –” 

The door crashes open revealing a very flush, very sweaty Steve Rogers in an open back hospital gown. The metal door frame crumples a bit as Steve tries to get a hold of himself. His heaving chest suddenly stops as he’s looking the masked man over.

“You’re bleeding!” Steve lets go of the mangled door frame to inspect the offending red splotches. The masked man gently peels Steve’s hands off of him. 

“The blood is not mine, Captain.” 

Steve’s big blue eyed look of concern disappears. “HYDRA?”

“HYDRA,” the man confirms. 

Steve glances down to the large black duffle bag on the floor. “HYDRA?” he grimaces. 

“Supplies.” 

“Oh thank god.” Steve wraps his legs securely around the man’s waist. He curls one arm around the other man’s shoulder while Steve uses his free arm to push the long hair out of the way in order to attack his neck like a large blond limpet. The masked man supports Steve’s thoroughly exposed assets with his metal arm and hefts him up higher before grabbing the duffle bag with his free hand. 

“Gentlemen, Natalia,” the man nods to each of them and leaves with Steve still clinging tightly to him. 

Tony stands up and slowly wanders over to the door. Bruce stops him with a hand on his shoulder. “He has a metal arm,” Tony says dreamily. He tries to pull away. 

“Tony no.” 

“A metal arm Bruce.” 

“Tony.” 

Clint stops staring at the open door and looks to Natasha. “Did Captain America just climb the Winter Soldier like a tree?” She smiles sweetly. 

“I have seen enough naked super soldier ass to last me for a lifetime,” Sam mutters.


End file.
